I am single, very single. I have been without a serious relationship for about three years now. I don't know how to handle singledom. It is a foreign situation for me. I always had a boyfriend. And when I was in school, it was completely easy to date and meet people. Now that I am out in the "real world", I see it as being a dubious, arduous and stressing task. My neighbor recently asked me out to dinner, and I am reluctant to go, taking all measures to avoid the task. Sure, we can meet up at the bar together or go to a movie. But a dinner date, no way! Having to wade through the awkward conversation just to find out his "story", having him think that I talk too much just because I could carry on a conversation with a wall for hours, having him tell me that he doesn't know what a political party is, that he has never been invited to one... my experience in the past three years with first dates has been dismal to say the least.
Not only are first dates a problem, but I have bigger issues with dating. I will go over these slowly with you, so grab a cup of coffee and a bag of popcorn. Tissues might also be recommended.
First, what does it mean to "date" as a twenty-five year old? Does it mean going out to dinner, the movies, to breakfast, or to other events a couple time a week together? Does it mean going to the bars together and just getting drunk? Are you dating if you have multiple sleepovers? Just what does dating entail?
For me, dating entails being able to have good conversations over coffee, someone to cook dinner for, someone to just watch TV (sober) with, someone to talk to on the phone when I am driving home from a late night event, or someone that I would not be embarrassed to take to a work event. I want someone who is motivated, educated, and refined. But at the same time, they need to be able to love the earth, be happy outside, and willing to go on sporadic adventures. My ideal dating situation exists only in my head, the same location that my ideal man resides. Unfortunately.
Second to not really understanding the 2008 version of dating, I really don't understand men. I don't trust them at all. As you might be able to tell from my recent discussion of the guy from the far away state. I just can't trust them. I try, and I get hurt. I open myself up to someone who says that I deserve the world, and I get slapped in the face. So, why should I want to date and risk getting hurt again? I cannot think of a single reason. I am not sure if I even believe in love right now. I believe in familial love, but the uncertainty lies in romantic, sexual love.
I like this quote that I found from Marilyn Monroe:
A wise woman kisses but does not love, listens but does not believe, and leaves before she is left.
Unfortunately, that is my current view on relationships and love. I don't want it to be. I want to swept off my feet. I want a man to desire me for who I am and not just what I am. I want a guy to daydream about seeing me one day walk down the aisle towards him. I want the perfect, idyllic relationship.
Third, and lastly for now, I don't want to rely on a man. I have come so far on my own, that I don't want this alleged "love"-thing to interfere. I am on a good path professionally, and I just foresee any sort of relationship just getting in the way.
However, I constantly hear the tick tock! of my biological clock. I don't know if that is my maternal instinct desiring to take effect or if it is jealousy of my sister and her family... My sister just had her third child on December 7th, a gorgeous baby girl. I love playing with the kids, caring for the kids, etc. So, the rationale behind me wanting to have a baby is uncertain.
It is pathetic, every time I see a pregnant woman, I turn green with envy. Although, my ideal situation is to have a baby with someone that I am married to and love, I could foresee myself having a baby at 30 even if I had yet to marry. Actually, if I am 30 and no where close to getting married, then I will have a baby as a single mom. I should be out of law school and have a good job by then, *hopefully*.
I have done a little research on "Going it Alone". Check out this article on RustyLime: http://www.rustylime.com/show_article.php?id=303. There are options our there for strong, independent women to have families of their own with or without a man. Best of luck to those women who have tried it, are willing to try it, and planning on trying it!
