Tick Tock! Tick Tock!

Wow, is my biological clock ever ticking loudly! I never thought that I would be in the situation that I am right now.

I am single, very single. I have been without a serious relationship for about three years now. I don't know how to handle singledom. It is a foreign situation for me. I always had a boyfriend. And when I was in school, it was completely easy to date and meet people. Now that I am out in the "real world", I see it as being a dubious, arduous and stressing task. My neighbor recently asked me out to dinner, and I am reluctant to go, taking all measures to avoid the task. Sure, we can meet up at the bar together or go to a movie. But a dinner date, no way! Having to wade through the awkward conversation just to find out his "story", having him think that I talk too much just because I could carry on a conversation with a wall for hours, having him tell me that he doesn't know what a political party is, that he has never been invited to one... my experience in the past three years with first dates has been dismal to say the least.

Not only are first dates a problem, but I have bigger issues with dating. I will go over these slowly with you, so grab a cup of coffee and a bag of popcorn. Tissues might also be recommended.

First, what does it mean to "date" as a twenty-five year old? Does it mean going out to dinner, the movies, to breakfast, or to other events a couple time a week together? Does it mean going to the bars together and just getting drunk? Are you dating if you have multiple sleepovers? Just what does dating entail?

For me, dating entails being able to have good conversations over coffee, someone to cook dinner for, someone to just watch TV (sober) with, someone to talk to on the phone when I am driving home from a late night event, or someone that I would not be embarrassed to take to a work event. I want someone who is motivated, educated, and refined. But at the same time, they need to be able to love the earth, be happy outside, and willing to go on sporadic adventures. My ideal dating situation exists only in my head, the same location that my ideal man resides. Unfortunately.

Second to not really understanding the 2008 version of dating, I really don't understand men. I don't trust them at all. As you might be able to tell from my recent discussion of the guy from the far away state. I just can't trust them. I try, and I get hurt. I open myself up to someone who says that I deserve the world, and I get slapped in the face. So, why should I want to date and risk getting hurt again? I cannot think of a single reason. I am not sure if I even believe in love right now. I believe in familial love, but the uncertainty lies in romantic, sexual love.

I like this quote that I found from Marilyn Monroe:

A wise woman kisses but does not love, listens but does not believe, and leaves before she is left.

Unfortunately, that is my current view on relationships and love. I don't want it to be. I want to swept off my feet. I want a man to desire me for who I am and not just what I am. I want a guy to daydream about seeing me one day walk down the aisle towards him. I want the perfect, idyllic relationship.

Third, and lastly for now, I don't want to rely on a man. I have come so far on my own, that I don't want this alleged "love"-thing to interfere. I am on a good path professionally, and I just foresee any sort of relationship just getting in the way.

However, I constantly hear the tick tock! of my biological clock. I don't know if that is my maternal instinct desiring to take effect or if it is jealousy of my sister and her family... My sister just had her third child on December 7th, a gorgeous baby girl. I love playing with the kids, caring for the kids, etc. So, the rationale behind me wanting to have a baby is uncertain.

It is pathetic, every time I see a pregnant woman, I turn green with envy. Although, my ideal situation is to have a baby with someone that I am married to and love, I could foresee myself having a baby at 30 even if I had yet to marry. Actually, if I am 30 and no where close to getting married, then I will have a baby as a single mom. I should be out of law school and have a good job by then, *hopefully*.

I have done a little research on "Going it Alone". Check out this article on RustyLime: http://www.rustylime.com/show_article.php?id=303. There are options our there for strong, independent women to have families of their own with or without a man. Best of luck to those women who have tried it, are willing to try it, and planning on trying it!

Wants...

Of course, every girl has wants and desires. Of course some of them are tangible, while others are merely materialistic. This list is just a start of the materialistic things I want:

• Tori Burch flats
• A new Coach handbag
• Golf Clubs
• New dresses for fun
• New suits for work
• New black pumps

Today's Horoscope

My horoscope for today is completely fitting.

Virgo girls sometimes don't know when to quit, but organized Saturn suggests that you lessen your load rather than getting frazzled. Make a to-do list for the week to stay relaxed.

I should heed the advice, and make a to-do list for the rest of the week and the weekend!

A new year, a new me...

My New Year's Resolutions this year are simple. To work on improving my physical, personal, and spiritual self.

Last year I tackled my professional and financial selves. And, personally, I feel like I did a damn good job.

My start to 2007... 2007 kicked off with a bang. First, I received my first kiss from a guy that I am still lusting after. And it was my first sober kiss, at the time, in a long time. Then, I got a new job. Not just a "new" job for me, but I job that I enjoy and is perfect for me politically/professionally. I moved to a new city. And although the city is not my top choice, it is not too shabby. I enjoy the work I do. It was really the turning over of a new leaf, a fresh start.

This next year, I hope that I grow as dramatically as I have over the past year. This year I would like to focus first on my physical self and second on my personal self, including my spirtual self.

So fucking done!

I am so done with boys! Seriously this time.

I know I just blogged about this guy that I have fallen head over heels for...

Well, I did a little research and found out that, yes, he is visiting his ex-girlfriend in Europe! And she might think that they are still together... fucking a!

Of course this did not stop him from a) sleeping in my bed, b) telling me that i am amazing, beautiful, and all that bullshit, or c) inviting me to come out to visit him in Colorado and allowing me to buy a plane ticket.

What the fuck!

So, I am done with them for a loooooooong time. It all ends in me getting my fucking heart broken. Please excuse my profanity, but finding that stuff out tonight was crushing. At least it allows me to start the new year off with a fresh, clean plate!

During the last year, my life changed dramatically. I got my feet back on the ground and am headed in a great direction professionally and financially. However, my personal life leaves much to be desired. So, in 2008, I hope to not only keep things going the way they are in my professional/financial life, but I also hope that my personal life changes dramatically for the better.

I wish that I could follow the wise words of Marilyn Monroe when it comes to men:
"A wise girl kisses but does not love, listens but does not believe, and leaves before she is left."

10 Things Every Woman Needs to Get Rid of Right Now

1. Fear of flaunting - in bed, at the office, on the dance floor. Be proud of what you've got!
2. Any really sincere desire to sleep with a celebrity.
3. A job that drains your time, energy and joie de vivre in exchange for - what, exactly?
4. Your "skinny" clothes that only firt after the stomach flu.
5. Cigarettes.
6. Rage. It may (very occasionally) be justified, but it's rarely worth being known as "that crazy lady in 2B."
7. Any guy who doesn't keep his word.
8. That friend who always makes you feel worse about yourself instead of better.
9. The agony you relive when you think of that really embarassing thing you did ... a year ago.
10. Your sex tape!

From the January 2008 Glamour.

In case you have yet to notice...

I love to find lyrics and quotations that are fitting to my life, mood, feelings, or dreams. Whether it be a song, a poem, a quip from a novel, a news story, or a simple quote, there is something out there that perfectly sums up my situation.

Thus, if I just randomly insert lyrics to a song, a line from a book, or a quote, there is a reason. It sheds light on my life. Might give you a new insight on my feelings, emotions, and outlook.

Happy Sunday!

"Gotta Have You" by The Weepies

"Dreams" by Boyz II Men

Here I am again, wondering if you're okay
Can't stop this troubled heart
Cause we're apart, miles away
Phone pressed up to my ear
Wish you were here, holding me
A face to go with your sweet voice
Will bring me joy, totally

I know I can't be there
But baby it's alright
I'll be waiting for you, tonight
I pray that you'll be there
When I close my eyes
Meet me in my dreams, tonight

One thing that never changes
No matter whatI can't wait to see you
Can't wait to feel you
And there's a place of our own, where we can go
Nobody knows
I close my eyes real tight
And make love to you all night

I know I can't be there
Baby it's alright
I'll be waiting for you, tonight
I pray that you'll be there
When I close my eyes
Meet me in my dreams, tonight

I wish I may, I wish you might
Find some time when you sleep tonight
To think of me and I'll appear before your eyes
It's my paradise, your world
You are my heart, my life, my girl
Oh, can't wait to go to sleep
Cause there's a possibility, you'll meet me

Ohh, oh oh oh oh
Ohh yeah, oh yeah
I know...

I know I can't be there
Baby it's alright
I'll be waiting for you, tonight
I pray that you'll be there
When I close my eyes
Meet me in my dreams, tonight

I know I can't be there
Baby it's alright
I'll be waiting for you, tonight
I pray that you'll be there
When I close my eyes
Meet me in my dreams, tonight

Two Things

1. Did I mention that I am going to Texas and Colorado in February? I am going to Austin, TX, to visit my best friend from High School, Sara Kelly, and one of my best friends from Kenyon, Andrea Scott. I will be visiting the law school at Colorado University and the boy from the previous posts. I can't wait for the trip! I will be flying into Austin on 2/14 and leaving for Denver on 2/20. I believe that I fly back to Ohio on 2/25. A nice long vacation for me to look forward. Hopefully reward for doing well on LSAT round #2.
2. I also started a new blog. The new blog is called "Fifteen in 45." It is dedicated to my diet goal/new year's resolution of dropping fifteen pounds in the first fourty-five days of 2008. You can check it out at www.fifteenin45.blogspot.com

Cosmo Horoscope of the Day

The stars urge you to forget that you're a conservative girl and grab a personal (cute guy alert!) or career (dream job?) opportunity that might suddenly appear today, courtesy of surprising Uranus.

It has been a few weeks...

SORRY!! I haven't forgotten about this blog, but I just have had too much going on to write. Depressing, I know.

I would love to give you a brief synopsis of the past few weeks, but due to time contsraints (on your part) I will just let you know about where I am at today.

First, I am studying for the LSAT's again. I got my scores back from the first test. I did well, but I know that I can do better. Most of my apps are due by March 15th and the LSAT is Feb. 2nd. I am spending the entirity of the month of January studying. Jealous, aren't you?

Also, starting Sunday December 30th, I am starting a serious diet. My goal is to lose 15 pounds in 45 days. I know that might sound absurd, but I know that I can do it. First, I will save money. Second, I am going to Texas and Colorado in February to see some old friends and I want to look good...duh :)

Meredith and I had our annual Tacky Holiday Sweater Party last weekend, and needless to say, no one was disappointed. People actually made the two hour trek down to Chillicothe for the party. I was shocked. The punch was good, the outfits were ridiculous, and the music was perfect. Although there are a few moments that I don't remember perfectly, I had a wonderful time. Friends from high school, college, and from Chillicothe were in attendance. It was nice to have every period of my life represented!

This guy (to remain nameless), who I have been friends with since college and currently lives 20 hours away, came to the party. I am completely head over heels infatuated with the kid; even though my roommate says that he looks like a surfer dude and despite the fact that Pete has pointed out that he constantly flicks his hair. We had a great time the night of the party and then the following night we went to the zoo and looked at the lights. I wish that I would have been feeling better to enjoy it more, but I just enjoyed spending time and just talking with him (the kissing wasn't that bad either ;)). Unfortunately his free time was sparse, he is now in Europe. Yep, Europe. I didn't dig for details on the trip because I am assuming that it is to visit his ex-girlfriend (hopefully not his current girlfriend). I hate this. Hopefully, I am assuming wrong. But girls have a sixth sense and just get that feeling. Anyways, I just hate the fact that I fall for people whom I shouldn't. He has been so sweet, nice, etc. so far that I just know it is going to end not the way that I would want it too!

Basically he has been the one guy friend of mine who has kept in touch with me since college. And I will emphasize the fact that he has kept in touch with me. I wasn't always as receptive as I am now. I used to just see him as a friend... until last year when he kissed me before he left to go back to CO. For me, I don't relish in the fact that he kissed me. Instead, I think about how he has to have done this with all of these other girls and how many other girls does he constantly text, etc. I hate the fact that I am a complete pessimist when it comes to boys. Completely and utterly hate it. And what makes it worse, is that he has always been the one guy who has been there for me through every guy telling me that they weren't good enough, that i didn't deserve them. I just wish that I could trust a guy again. I have learned through the past year to love again, now I just want to trust again.

Back to the fact that he has been the only guy friend to really reach out to me since college to be my friend... I guess, I just keep comparing this in my mind to my sister and Jay. How Jay was the only person to really keep in touch with her when she moved out to Montana and when she came back, he was right there for her. I just wish my guy would move back to Ohio and then we could take off where Chrissie and Jay did... i.e. on the way to something more permanent. Ha ha. Not going to happen. But, I can wish!

And I know that I am just rattling on and on without much of a point thus far. My point is that I like a guy that doesn't live anywhere close to me, I don't trust men of any shape, size or color, I want to find happiness, and I am sad.

That is right, I am sad. I hate being sad and depressed. This guy and I would talk everyday and constantly be texting each other. I know that sounds ridiculous for two twenty-somethings to be constantly texting, but it puts a smile across my face and happy thoughts in my mind. And I know it does the same thing for him, because he told me so! And he left for Europe yesterday. I know that it has only been one day, but I just miss hearing from him and I can't help but wonder who he is traveling with or whom he is visiting. And that of course makes me sick... makes me sick to think that he probably really isn't mine or ever going to be mine.

I don't like to ramble on about guys, but this is the only place that I feel that I can really talk about it. I am scared to tell my family things, or tell them everything in that they have already blamed me for losing John awhile back (which was not my fault at all!). I also can't confide in my roommate really. She doesn't really like him, granted she does not know him at all. But, why make fun of someone that you know your roommate likes when you yourself really don't know him at all? Yeah, I thought so.

So, please just wish me well and if you have any ideas on how I can distract myself these next two weeks... let me know!

I am thinking about having someone screen all future guys for me. Maybe hang a sign outside my door that says "Only serious inquiries permitted".

I really just don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life.

Freestyle/Backstroke Workout

Today was the first day that I haven't gotten in the pool for a couple of weeks. I wasn't sure how much I would be able to do as I am still a bit sick and quite out of shape. However, for the 45 minutes that I was in the water, I managed to swim 2300 yards. Go me!

200 EZ Choice Warm Up
4 x 75 Kick, Step Down 1-4
4 x 75 Pull, Step Down 1-4
3 x [3 x 50]
1) 25 free/25 stroke
2) 25 stroke/25 free
3) 50 stroke fast
3 x [4 x 75]
1) 75 free
2) 50 free/25 stroke
3) 25 free/50 stroke
4) 75 stroke
150 EZ Warm Down


I did all the stroke work backstroke as that was my specialty back in the day.

A return...

I'm back!

It has been a couple of weeks since I last made an entry, and I am sorry. Thanksgiving was here, my grandfather had open heart surgery, I came down with strep throat (again), and I took the LSAT. Now that that is all over, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am ready to go on with my life.

Stay tuned for future posts. I plan to focus on swimming workouts for my team and for myself, the pros and cons of being single during the holidays, and the process of applying to law school.

Until then...

Day 7

Diet: 8 (as of 2:00 pm)

Workout:
TREADMILL

SWIMMING
300 Swim
200 Pull
200 Kick
6 x 50 stroke (25 drill, 25 swim) on a 1:00
total: 1000 yards

WEIGHTS

Final Countdown

The countdown is on... 11 days until I take the LSAT.

And the nerves are starting to get to me.

It seems that everytime I start studying and getting very serious about it, something tragic happens. First, I came down with bronchitis. Then, I hurt my back. After that, last Sunday I came down with strep throat and then this past Sunday I caught the stomach flu!! My stomach is still a little queasy, but I am going to start studying my nose off tonight! So, any free time I have from here on out will be spent with LSAT study book in hand.

Except for Wednesday night...

As we all know, I am a twenty-something living in rural Ohio... and the night before Thanksgiving is the night to go out on the town, the night that everyone goes out. So, I will be out and about in my new town - not the one that I grew up in.

Unfortunately, due to my lack of going out in the past months - everyone at the bar misses me. Seems like either I spend too much time at the bar when I am not studying or this town is not used to people of my caliber... I would like to think that I leave such a positive impression on these folks, that they just miss my fun-loving soul at the bar.

So, I will not be drinking much tomorrow night as I will have to study up until the point that I go out and I will have to wake up early on Thursday morning to head to Thanksgiving dinner.

Days 4,5 & 6

So, I went home for the weekend to celebrate my Grandma Gregg's 80th birthday and my Grandma Gingi's 81st birthday. Needless to say, my diet and workout routine slipped. I walked 2 miles on Saturday but ate terribly. Sunday, I ate healthy and planned on going to for a run and swimming with my kids - but I ended up with the stomach flu. Yesterday, Day 6, I recovered from the flu.

Today, I will run and swim. And maybe even lift. I plan to try to lift on Tuesday's and Thursday's as I am doing abwork with the kids on Monday's and Wednesday's. Wish me luck!

Day 3

Diet: 9 (so far)

Workout:
TREADMILL
Ran 2.0 miles at an average of 6.2 mph, incline of 1.0.

SWIMMING
3 x (100 free + 50 sp)
200 dolphin kick on back
4 x (100 free + 50 back) pull
6 x 50 kick on a 1:00
3 x (100 IM hard + 50 easy)
200 cool down
total: 2200 yards

"All That I Want" by The Weepies

It is exciting to hear when some of your favorite songs have made it onto t.v. commercials or into the background music of t.v. shows. This is a Holiday song that I have listened to on my computer and iPod for months, but has recently been heard on a jewelry store's Christmas ad.

Out in the harbor

The ships come in, it's Christmastime

The kids all holler carols 'cross the water

Stars that shine

All that I want, all that I want

Above the rooftops

The full moon dips its golden spoon

I wait on clip-clops, deer might fly

Why not? I met you

All that I want, all that I want

And when the night is falling

Down the sky at midnight

Another year is stalling

Far away a good bye, good night

All that I want, all that I want, all that I want

So small a turning

The world grows older every day

An ache, a yearning

Soften when I hear you say

All that I want, all that I want

And when the cold wind's blowing

Snow drifts through the pine trees

In houses lights are glowing

Likewise in your eyes that find me here

With all that I want.

Out in the harbor

The ships come in, it's Christmastime

It's Christmastime

It's Christmastime.

Within the next 7 days...

Yesterday we had our first snow! It was so exciting to see the little snowflakes hit my windshield as I was driving through the Hocking Hills. A gorgeous site!

The snowflakes got me even more excited for the upcoming Holidays!! Thanksgiving (my favorite Holiday) is just a week from yesterday!!! I cannot wait for a little extra special family time!

Speaking of family time, I get to go today to meet up with my mother, my aunt Martha from Dallas, my older sister and her two kids. We will meet at the mall and do a little shopping. Quality girl time nonetheless. I will hopefully be getting my glasses repaired (or new ones) while we are there.

Then tomorrow, it is the BIG GAME. OSU vs Michigan at the Big House in Michigan. Hopefully OSU will win, because I would not want the game to overshadow our evening plans. We will be celebrating my grandmother's 80th birthday on Saturday night at the Alcove. Yay!

Next week, after my favorite Holiday, my best friend from high school is getting married. On Saturday I will serve with pride, and neglect thinking of myself as an afterthought, as the guestbook attendant at Sara's wedding. Ha ha ha. Funny, huh.

Anyways, despite all the things going on this coming week, I will still have to find time to study for the LSAT. Wish me luck!!